[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
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I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
screw you
What’s so funny?
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.