Hate when i’m singing a song and the artist gets the lyrics wrong

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Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two


Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.

Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]

***6 months later***

Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?

Me: … [whispers] meow.


My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”

I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”


Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers back

How about your kid?


Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…


I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter


My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.

Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*


It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house


I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.