Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
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Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough