Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.

*on walkie-talkies

Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically

Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.

[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house

It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you

I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.

Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul Afraides

Paul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes

Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail

This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.

I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.

Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach

Same pineapple, same

ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?

NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not

ME: I’m getting to that

I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?

Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.

Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.

Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.

Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.

Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA

Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*

Me: *slowly reaches for phone*

if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain

What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!

Breaking news:

Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend

Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.

Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this

My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies

5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature

5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird

Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?

Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.

STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!

I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.

[kidnapping]

BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.

ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]

BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.

ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.

roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do

Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.