Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years

Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up

DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.

BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber

ME: i’m not sure how to take that

BANK TELLER: exactly

So Hamburger help me, God

Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)

The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.

Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song

Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.

*dancing with the stars*

*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*

me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!

*star wars*

You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?

(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?

I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective

Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house

Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room

I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up

If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek

Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.

If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old

*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*

I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.

Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”

Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.

knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’

wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake

We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears

I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.

“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”

*pulls the plug*

Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.

LMAO

“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”

– People who haven’t met me yet

Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.