Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
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JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.