hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
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♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
No. He’s not coming out to play
just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’
very niche meme I made
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
