hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
You Might Also Like
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!