Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: i’m leaving you.

me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard

her: YES

me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk

Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats

Someone: what have you been up to?

Me: thanks, you too.

36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.

Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’

Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’

I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.

RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved

35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good

hacker: ready?

weapons guy: I was born ready

[25 years earlier]

doctor: it’s a boy!

midwife: where did he get nunchucks

Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up

Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.

parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”

EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.

OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!

Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea

I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.

life coach: be the best version of yourself

me: I am

life coach: hahaha wait are you serious

I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.

going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”

King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!

“I’ll get gold”

“Frankincense”

“I’ll get myrrh”

Me: Can babies vape?

King: Actually 3 wise men is fine

I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges

ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE

I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp

{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor

Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.

[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]

him: hey what’s up

me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4

I’m a self-made hundredaire

Me: are you or are you not my people?

My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.

I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…

*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way