Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?

Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.

You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do

We decided to have money instead of children.

Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!

Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*

Sorry I called your baby ugly

I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”

I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.

“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”

An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”

Me trying to reach for my goals

It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!

Humans are creative.

I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.

Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.

I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?

[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*

Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.

I never needed anything more in my life

I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.

Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.

If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.

What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers

[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.

If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.

I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.

If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.

*sees any 3 stars in a row*

(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”