hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
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The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
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A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence
gonna start parting my hair down the middle so i can write poetry better
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.