hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
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Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
mariah carrie
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
*ernest hemingway voice*
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.