If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
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I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
This is a bad sign
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.