@rolldiggity

Hate when the cop is like, “Sir, have you been petting kittens?” and I say, “I petted a few…” as I open the car door and kittens spill out

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@JB4Realz

government: let’s reopen stuff.

public: ummmm…

guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…

@PatsATweetin

Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.

@KatelynnGelman

I hung a plant in my shower and I was trying to take a picture but my dog Drax thought I was taking a picture of him lmao

@LlamaInaTux

Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.

His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble

@AaronFullerton

Before you buy that nice jacket online, ask yourself: “Am I willing to delete one extra email every day for the rest of my life?”

@lmegordon

My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.

@emilyarse

students: i broke 18 ribs can i be excused from this absence

professor: tough shit

same professor: well kids unfortunately i stepped in a puddle with socks on so class will be cancelled indefinitely

@MarfSalvador

[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private

@SamReidSays

Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.

@TheGladStork

I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.