Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.

I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.

I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73

Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor

Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.

Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.

The neighbor is having an open home

How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?

[first day as a police sketch artist]

Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?

Me: I used to do this at the zoo

Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.

Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?

Me: No.

Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.

Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.

My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure

My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”

Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”

My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.

I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”

The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.

Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.

What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one

word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom

Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.

There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”

My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.

Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?

I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work

“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.

OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases

The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.

“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.

older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah

ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-

こいつ天才

Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.