Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
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wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
due to financial reasons I will now be performing photosynthesis
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Gotta love the Dead Kennedys
In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.