Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
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yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
