Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
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My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa
#DadJoke
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
