Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me
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I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Only Americans understand
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.