Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.

“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”

-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.

“Ok, same difference.”

*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.

Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?

Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.

I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️

Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.

-You’re welcome

got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to

My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.

What i said : I really like this song

What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes

ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:

getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances

A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.

[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought

who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap

Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.

[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]

so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain

I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.

Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button

I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.

God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.

Angel: What do you call it?

God: A toddler.

I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts

Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]

me: the best things in life are free!

lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way

I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.

our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs

Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.

My rock bottom keeps refreshing

wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?

me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah

Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips