Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5yo: I made this for you.

Me: How nice! Um…what is it?

5yo: I was hoping you’d know.

HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.

Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd

Wife: Good morning handsome

Me: Hi

Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you

Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?

Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again

Me: There it is

Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?

I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids

ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?

Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”

date: what do you do for a living?

me: i make trojan horses

date: that’s not what i’d expect

me: yah that’s the idea

I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling

Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.

Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.

Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.

Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.

Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.

The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?

Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.

So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.

i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes

You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.

ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]

WIFE: you could just-

ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn

I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.

My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”

I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this

Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?

Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.

Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,

At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating

never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again

A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast