Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”

NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money

Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director

It’s too bad he never woke up and chose violence. “Bob Ross, mob boss” has a nice ring to it.

A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”

I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY

A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?

whenever i see deer hanging out too close to the road i will slowly drive by, roll down my window, and say “you guys are being insane..” they usually just stare and dont say anything back but i can tell they’re utterly embarrassed

I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.

her: I love guys who know what they want

me: I want $100,000

her: but stay humble

me: I’ll never have $100,000

To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.

Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?

I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.

6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?

Me: I did not know that.

6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.

That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink

Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.

5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.

I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.

I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.

a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.

ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…

DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion

Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.

It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.

I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book

Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-

Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.

My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”

Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?

what the

Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.