Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker: Stop

Me: collaborate and listen

Coworker: Don’t

Me: you forget about me

Coworker: Hey!

Me: teacher, leave them kids alone

Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.

Me: Did it work?

What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?

My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door

Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”

Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.

3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday

When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.

Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?

I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.

[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.

*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*

My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?

The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in

TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:

5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.

bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this

Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice

People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.

I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter

You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: why

Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued

Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure

God: you can sting people more than once.

Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.

God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.

Bee: what’s up?

God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.

Wasp:

My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”

🤣🤣

We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?

My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.

*receives text from wife

“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.

Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.

I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.

Dad, we’re right in front of you

Uh….. go ask your mom.

Him: I’m an dog person

Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?