Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here
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Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
I can also cook 😂
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
The guy at the party who casually pukes on your ficus plant and keeps on talking without missing a beat is not the one you should worry about.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.