Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You can hide but you can’t run,”

– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word

I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.

not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately

Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.

I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.

“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.

When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?

Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.

The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.

My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Twitter: Hold my beer.

you: ant-man

me, an intellectual: uncle

“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.

[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”

I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven

Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.

I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.

Jesus: My moms a virgin.

Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.

Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?

Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all

Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”

Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.

Me, flirting😏

If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.

Wife: cuddle?

Me: ok

Wife: I mean with me

Me: *with my teddy bear* right

8:00 AM: Too tired to think

Noon: Too tired to think

5:00 PM: Too tired to think

Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??

Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.

Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”

Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”

A warm tortilla will open up your pores nicely. Don’t ask me how I know this.