hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this
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reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!