hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
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If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–
–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur