Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.

I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good

Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’

It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.

Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?

Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.

Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”

FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt

PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something

FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill

I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport

DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property

I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”

So anyway, he’s my new therapist.

Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…

Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?

Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado

dril cadence

So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.

I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter

As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.

They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?

imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt

Wife: Can you make the bed

Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon

Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.

Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?

My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.

huge if true: the moon

I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.

If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.

Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.

Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.

13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now

There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.

Me: I just really want to kick this habit

Therapist: You want to kick nuns?

Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction

Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?

Me: punching nuns

Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T

16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds

BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.

Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.