hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
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As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Yes, this is exactly right
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
i think both sides are to blame here
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.