Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
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[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
There should be something just for fun on the ballot, like voting for the best flavor of ice cream . I think that would get a lot of people really excited to get involved
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.