Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
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“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
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BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
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I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
I’m crying im so happy for them
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2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.