Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy

guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop

God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones

Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?

God: eh you’ll figure it out

Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.

[infant diary]

Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.

Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.

Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.

…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.

Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.

ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else

HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again

My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?

10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!

Me: Okay, Okay!

*steps on lego*

*stubs toe on fallen over chair*

*falls over laundry basket*

*slip-and-slides across spilt water*

*arrives at 10yo*

10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.

*watching husband sleep*

Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”

*husband snores*

Me: “I can’t live like this.”

Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?

Putting tin foil on my beard to cover the leftovers that fall in there.

ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!

HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.

Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.

Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.

I finally shaved my legs.

Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?

Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.

Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…

Beaver 2: dam

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.

*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*

Me: Ah, the elusive white penny

Cashier: That’s a button

HIM: Are you mad at me?

ME: No.

HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.

ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.

A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this

Him: I’m an English teacher

Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes

I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin

My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup

[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u

My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.

If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?