Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.

god: awful nice planet you got there

earth: thanks

god: it’d be a shame if someone…

earth: please don’t

god: created humanity

Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.

<——-Wants the burger

<——-Needs the salad

Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.

*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*

Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!

Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.

If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.

Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…

(whispers) boop your nose?

911: 911

Me: I’m being chased

911: in your car?

Me: no in theirs

911: wh—

Me: how do I turn the sirens on?

3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.

Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob

The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.

All right then, keep your secrets

[surprising my bf at work]

Me: Hey you *wink*

Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave

Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.

Watching Home Alone with my 8 year old twins.

One of them is cackling like a hyena every time a paint can smashes the face of the would be burglars.

The other is sitting with a concerned look on his face saying things like “well that doesn’t seem safe”

Just another unrealistic body expectation for women

*Hires life coach*

“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”

*Fires life coach*

Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’

I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.

[me on Ellen}

Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions

Me: that’s right Ellen

I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you

kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”

“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.

When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.

HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble

ME: that’s ridictacular

The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.

Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.

Friend: *texting* come out tonight

Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there

Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.

Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.