Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.

*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving

Me: I love eating nerds

Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)

Me: no, not that kind.

Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.

Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.

My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.

[i arrive in hell]

Satan: welcome

Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol

Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up

Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao

Satan:

Me:

Satan:

[i arrive in super hell]

If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?

There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle

The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card

STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life

I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.

[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.

i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot

Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….

Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.

When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist

If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.

I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.

I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB

I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.

*hears recording of my voice*

Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?

Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.

My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?

Nobody:

Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD

If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.

Things my dating coach and I are working on:

– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot