Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please

Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”

Mine should be here in a few days.

A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.

Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.

If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go

This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere

Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.

Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?

Me: *holding milkshakes* what

Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”

The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.

My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?

Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….

like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.

Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?

He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy

One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.

It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.

You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car

Papa john’s: order a pizza!

Mama john’s: we have pizza at home

me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.

executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?

a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute

my gf left me bc i’m paranoid

nvm she’s back, she went pee

My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”

Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.

Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar

Passport photographer: No

Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.

Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby

Me: It’s Abby

Therapist: That’s what you think

My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.