Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
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I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”