Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
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Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced