Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.

Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?

Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.

Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.

[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.

*leans in for a kiss*

DENTIST: stop that

Turkeys are crazy.

They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.

Must be a safety in numbers thing.

My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.

“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life

impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.

What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?

One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….

If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”

son: i caught a tadpole!

me: actually that’s a dadpole

son: i’m confused

*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad

Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.

God: Give them free will

Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”

God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.

Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?

Me: My bladder mostly.

holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy

Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.

flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency

the highest guy you have ever seen: yes

are they though??

“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.

Greeting card

[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed

Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname

BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day

ME: Thanks boss!

BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon

One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.

Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*

Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”

She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.

Phlegm fatale, they called her.

Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.

*finds another dead plant on patio*

[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!