Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕

BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop

Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅

Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married

WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.

My husband and I are very compatible.

He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.

No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.

Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room

Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.

I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”

I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*

Simultaneously brilliant and awful.

My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.

My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician

We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated

pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”

There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain

Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online

How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird

SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.

A comma is just a period with a mullet.

when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work

Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.

“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”

When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset