Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
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*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them