Haters gonna hate.

Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…

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[During sex]

Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting

Me: It helps me in bed

Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS


Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.

*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*

Me: Yes, “nice.”


me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow


Just remember, you can’t please everyone.

So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.


Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.


In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.


When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.


“Ha-ha who me? Oh, I put ketchup on everything!”
CAR SALESMAN: please stop putting ketchup on these Buicks.


Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?

I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful


Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.