@GregHenchman

Haters gonna hate.

Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…

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@Browtweaten

[During sex]

Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting

Me: It helps me in bed

Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS

@FunnyBison

Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.

*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*

Me: Yes, “nice.”

@fro_vo

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

@JessicaVarsity

Just remember, you can’t please everyone.

So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.

@Whatevah_Amy

Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.

@Izianikapani

In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.

@CornerPubRon

When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.

@Jeff_G_Nixon

“Ha-ha who me? Oh, I put ketchup on everything!”
CAR SALESMAN: please stop putting ketchup on these Buicks.

@misfarber

Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?

I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful

@WarrenHolstein

Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.