Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!

Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?

FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ

Stacy: Come over!

Me: Okay!

Stacy: My mom isn’t home.

Me: Nevermind.

Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him

Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..

*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*

So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.

Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

HER: how is remote learning going

ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels

[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit

Me: Are you sure about that?

*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*

Cop: Have a nice day, sir.

Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –

I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.

ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…

*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!

If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.

Wedlock even sounds like a threat.

I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy

me: it is lonely at the top.

therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’

nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple

Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”

[first 2 hours of meeting]

Coworker:

[last 2 minutes of meeting]

Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks

“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”

in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”

Your proctologist called. He found your head.

If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.

No, YOU’RE a child!

Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on