I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
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“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??