Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse

cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this

My girlfriends good traits :

She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.

Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.

I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here

THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.

How dramatic are you?

If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either

4-year-old: Can I have some floss?

Me: You’re too little

4: But I really, really need it

Me: Fine. *gives her floss*

4:*ties up Barbies*

[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: There is snow in my paw and now you must carry me.

If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.

[first day as a bartender]

customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner

me: [holding it] HEY

her: [looks up]

me: CATCH

Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.

I wrote a book on penguins.

Honestly, it would have been much easier if I wrote it on paper.

Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?

He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.

squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?

Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.

Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race

Jesus: LOL

You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.

(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)

(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)

(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)

Me: This date is going well

Her: Yes

Me: You look sexy as hell

Her: Thank you

Guy she’s on a date with: dude

Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up

Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not

4: When will I stop growing?

Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.

4: But you still grow.

Me: No I don’t.

4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.

Me:

It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.

Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400

You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.

I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.

Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths

Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?

Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.