Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”

On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers

If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.

ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang

SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?

ME: I have no idea

The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.

[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles

I would throw myself under a duvet for you.

The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.

Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍

Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes

Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”

I still have no idea when to iron that thing.

Mmmm. Shoeshi

I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it

I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters

Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?

Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep

how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”

Death is not the end.

You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.

*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead

*steps out of time machine*

SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?

ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…

Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies

Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.

My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.

Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.

My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.

My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?

One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.

H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?

Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*