Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Same pineapple, same

“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok

Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.

I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.

Genius idea!!

My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.

USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”

Me: Do you want some more toast?

3yo: Yes

Me: Pardon?

3yo: Yes

Me: Yes, what?

3yo: ……

Me: What’s the magic word?

3yo: Abracadabra

[gets bit by spider]

[I don’t get powers]

[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]

When I face a minor setback

Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee

When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.

*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*

biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?

I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.

I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”

80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.

Son: can I get lunch money

Dad: I have a boyfriend

life finds a way

no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby

Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.

The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.

*aggressively waits in line*

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.

I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?

DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?

*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*

I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.