Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
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“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
i got fired from my marketing job for pitching a reverse Hot Ones where we make famous people drink ten increasingly warm glasses of milk
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
The key to being in a cult is joining for the free haircuts and matching outfits, but leaving right before the inevitable “god says I have to sleep with your wife” talk from the leader.
💀💀
