Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”

me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any

also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it

Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.

When you can’t find your friend Neil

If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.

My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.

[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down

I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.

*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*

Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.

Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.

Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.

Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.

“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”

Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.

DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs

ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had

waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats

Me: I’m on the carnival diet.

Person: You mean the carnivore diet?

Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.

added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.

Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?

Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.

ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?

Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.

I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time

At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids

What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?

One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….

him : can you name the shapes?

me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-

him : no I didn’t mea-

me : …Harry the hexagon

him: will you just st-

me : Dave the dodecahedron