Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.

Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide

I’d like to be alone now please sign out.

Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.

My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it

Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.

Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.

It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.

[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer

Recipe for homemade charcoal:

1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…

Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster

there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness

Dog owners: we did two years of research and carefully picked the most suitable breed

Cat owners: I took garbage out one night

My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.

Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.

7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.

7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.

8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.

9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.

My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.

Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends

Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?

Me: Monday

Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.

friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get

me: what do you mean

[2 hard lemonades later]

me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it

[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable

when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out

Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.

Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.

I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.

[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it

[normally]
my bed has four corners

[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners

ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?

One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.

How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…

Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.

Me, dressed Covid casual at work.

Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”

angel: they seem to be doing well

God: give them more diseases

angel: is that really necess-

God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla