Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?

Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?

I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”

I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.

You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.

I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me

How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.

I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.

How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?

[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?

Him: Let’s go out tonight.

Me: It’s a work night and very late.

Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.

Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?

me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?

taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee

I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.

Delightful if true: booby trap.

*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*

me: hEY leave that little guy alone

Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.

“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.

72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.

coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

ㅤ

When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.

[First Day As A Director]

Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*

I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?

After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.

I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.

walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?

me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR