hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
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First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is
asked my bf how work was today
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
I forgot how to panic. Help
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Clients after you give them your rates
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much