He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
You Might Also Like
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
The best shot in the history of golf
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.