[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
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College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.