Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*discovering a dead body*

Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?

Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.

Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right

A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.

[Mcdonald’s]

DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids

WIFE: we have 10 kids

DARWIN: I know

I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.

I’m a psycho, grandma.

I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.

petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.

he said he adored my imperfections.

and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????

Me: I’m so fat…

Him: *rolls eyes*

Me: *rolls fat*

[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”

Date: Cat-callers disgust me.

Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.

My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*

You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.

A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.

Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub

[Studying for his history test]

10: I wish I was born in the 1800s

Me: Why?

10: I’d have less history to learn

My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.

My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!

Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”

Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie

Devil: I’ve got an idea

I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.

I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”

My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”

Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.

A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.

You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.

People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.

My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.

So I keep making mistakes.

I accidentally bump into a man.

He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”

I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.

#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this

What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.

Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?