[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
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i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Wife: don’t forget the list
Me: I won’t
[later]
Me: [calling from the grocery store]
My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song