Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]

WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?

HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*

DRACULA: *just glares at her*

23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.

Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.

Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life

ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same

Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece

I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.

Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks

Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks

If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.

coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas

If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.

Son: What’s for dinner

Me: Tater tots

Son: What else?

Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur

*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*

“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”

“What are my choices again?”

This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.

If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.

Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”

Mine should be here in a few days.

Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.

Boxing and fencing

Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences

Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!

Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!

A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.

Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.

the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.

Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late

if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine

Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.

I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.

[first day in the crime lab]

me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists

I hate all this sex on the TV

I keep falling off.