Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the club]

Me: I got the moves

Her: it’s “runs”

If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.

me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!

coworker: no problem!

[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r

[lunch date]

“I’ll have a salad.”

Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.

“Boo!” — cow with a cold

It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.

The more you know.

If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you

Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot

I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.

I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself

My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.

I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.

me: i love pillow talk

pillow: hello

me: what the hell

Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?

I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.

GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn

Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”

Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.

Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?

Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?

Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.

Narcissist: I am God!

Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.

If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.

Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it

My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.

“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.

Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.

Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.

Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym

tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell