[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
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me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Peace was never an option
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*
Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.
Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
I have never related to a cat more
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?