haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
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Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.