haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
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Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”