Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’

My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being

Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!

Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow

I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.

#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.

Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*

Me: Did you use the elevator?

Friend: I took the stairs.

Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?

I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso

Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean

– me, as a gynecologist

Waking up a teen for school:

1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!

Teen: Why are you yelling?

Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.

Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”

My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.

He did a 3 year stretch.

gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic

I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.

The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.

[book store]

ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*

CLERK: What is that?

ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.

Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.

me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields

farmer: wtf have you done?!

Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired

I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.

My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.

unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)

[Grocery store checkout]

Me: *cracks open a beer*

Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here

Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this

Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here

Me: Who made this mess?

8-year-old: Not me.

6-year-old: Not me.

4-year-old: Not me.

3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.

I have a suspect.

Discuss

If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?

I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)

Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.

There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.

when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans