Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I believe I can flyyy.

I believe I can touch the skyyy.

I believe I was mistaaaken.

I believe I’m faaalling.

I believe I’m gonna diiiie.

Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?

Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.

Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.

Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!

Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.

i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum

her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you

him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags

Tip for drowning your enemies:

Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.

Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.

Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.

photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one

Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.

My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.

I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.

listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing

Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.

I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.

My one-year-old niece has started saying “bye-bye” when she wants people to leave. Honestly, I’ve never been so influenced by a toddler before

What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?

I’m calling the cops.

I think this is my favorite scene in a movie

This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.

Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here

STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S

Rachel is KIND

Monica is NURTURING

Joey is CONSIDERATE

Phoebe is TALENTED

Ross

Chandler is FUNNY

glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack

glass half full: It’s only 6 days old

The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃

In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”

He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”

[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training

My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.

[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”

Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”

If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.