Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
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My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
the noise i just made
