Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”

– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day

*me

I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.

mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?

cat: *narrows eyes* yes

Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.

I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me

You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …

But I won’t.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*

“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”

My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.

Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.

Me: i thought it was three?

Genie: taxes.

My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.

When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”

“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.

Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.

Him: Hypnotist?

Me: Oh hip noticed alright.

Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project

Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”

Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”

If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.

Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???

Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.

Now, I don’t even walk into the right room

My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.

I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.

Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.

Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room

Friend: You teach first grade

Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?

3: Who’s that on your shirt?

Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.

3: I don’t like him.

Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

*Plot Twist*

Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.

I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone

Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.

ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.

A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.