[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
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“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
If only
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.
Tech support: *sigh*
Fine. Right click on your hamster…
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.