[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
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ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
That’s it.I’m out.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.