[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
His flabber was gasted 😂
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
