[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Haha! 😂
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
dril cadence
Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?
Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.
⛽️ 🦫
Ah..makes sense now
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
