Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?

Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC

Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.

I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀

I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.

My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth

Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.

What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!

Ferrari squats

🤭😂

Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?

Me: Yes, Your Majesty.

Judge: Your Honor.

Me: Oh, Thank you….

I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser

Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.

Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

⁦@XplodingUnicorn⁩ LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃

[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT

Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?

My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.

Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

On the surface: cool as a cucumber…

On the inside: squirrel in traffic…

My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.

[dinner at my parents’]

my gf: thank you for having me

me: they’re not your parents weirdo

Step 1: achieve tumescence.

Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.

*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym*

*wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*

Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song

NASA: The moon is wobbling.

Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same

I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work

Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.

I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time

VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands

Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet