Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
You Might Also Like
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!
[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
this will hang in the louvre one day
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
I have never related to anyone more.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.