Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
You Might Also Like
“Done the ad yet?”
“Yes, it’s already up.”
“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”
“More or less”
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.