Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
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An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
True statement👍😏😁
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Usage Guidelines
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.