Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
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Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
You can be having the nicest day and then you have to print something and you know your day is about to fall apart real fast
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip