Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who were the kings of disco?

A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees

“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.

My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”

*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*

“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

I want to look hot on tinder.

Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.

[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.

The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’

there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps

[ikea date]

him: let’s go check out the beds 😉

me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?

Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.

Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”

SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!

*brings lunch to work*

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg

her: your legs do look longer

me: oh no

her: i’m joking

me: hi joking i’m—OH NO

No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living

I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.

my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.

Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.

[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?

DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p

ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia

So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-

Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…

He’s cranky this morning

In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.

“I’ve said too much already.“

“All you did was blink.”

“Yeah, but twice.”

Them: what charity are you raising money for?

Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?

interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words

me: mathematically challenged

[On date]

Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant

Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”

Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family

I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”

I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.

Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster

(First date)

Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?

Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.

Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.

Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.