Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
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My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.